THE GERMANTOWN MUSICIANS

a fable by benito jose

once upon a time in the fertile plains of southern illinois, there 
was a farm. on this farm there lived many animals who laughed and 
played together in happiness. one of the animals that lived on the 
farm was a donkey named todd. todd was a happy little donkey, and his 
heart was broken because his donkey girlfriend broke up with him. but 
he tried not to let it bother him, and went on with his daily donkey 
business.
one day, as todd was prancing around in the pasture, he noticed a 
truck pulling into the driveway, and it was pulling a horse trailer. 
todd was very excited because he knew this meant there would be a new 
friend for him to play with on the farm. so he ran up to the trailer 
and watched as the farmer helped the new arrival out of it. 
his jaw dropped to the ground when he saw what had been delivered. 
out of the trailer came the most beautiful female donkey he had ever 
seen. her mane was the color of wheat at harvest time, and her eyes 
shone like the stars above the pasture at night. todd fell instantly 
in love, and he knew that someday, somehow, he would have to get a 
piece of that ass.
the farmer led the female donkey into a special pen out of reach of 
the other animals, and all the farmhands rushed over to groom and 
feed her. todd was curious as to why she was getting such special 
attention, so he went out to ask the other animals about this 
beautiful new ass.
his first stop was to his old friend scott the chicken. scott was out 
scratching at the ground, looking for corn.
"hey, scott,"todd said,"how's it going?"
"not bad," replied the chicken. "i can't find any damn corn around 
here, though. i'd kill for a whopper."
"me, too. but right now, there's more inportant things on my mind. do 
you know who that new ass is?"
"oh, you mean alicia? she's only here for a couple of days. the 
farmer's just taking care of her until the fair."
"what?! what fair? how long will she be here?" todd was obviously 
upset that she would be leaving so soon.
scott scratched his head. "um, you know... that fair... the 
germantown performance arts fair. it's this weekend. farm animals 
from all over illinois go there to compete, and the winner gets to 
take alicia home."
todd's heart raced. he had to get to that fair and win first prize. 
but he had no talent for performance art. he couldn't sing or dance, 
and he certainly couldn't act.
"i've got to win that contest! but how?"
scott scratched his head again. "well, i don't know. maybe you could 
play the banjo."
todd thought for a moment. he didn't know how to play a banjo, but 
he sure could stroke his instrument. it would have to do. he had to 
make it to that fair and win, even if he had no talent.
"you want to take a trip to germantown?" todd asked scott. 
"to win the contest?" scott asked back.
"yup. i gotta get that ass. can you play an instrument?"
"is the playstation an instrument?
"oh, god. nevermind. you probably can't go anyway beacuse your hen 
won't let you."
"yeah, you're right. her family is having a party this weekend." 
scott sulked back to the coop.

well, todd wouldn't let anything stop him now. he grabbed his banjo 
and hopped over the fence and began his trip to germantown. as he 
walked, he practiced playing his banjo, strumming along trying to 
play all the polka songs he loved. he was starting to make some 
progress, when he noticed a cat following him.
he turned around to face the cat and asked, "who are you?"
the cat slicked back his hair and replied, "my name's adam, baby. i'm 
the coolest cat in the land, and i get all the pussy."
"why are you following me?" todd asked.
"curiosity. it's not often i see a donkey walking around playing a 
banjo," the cat replied.
"i'm headed to germantown. i'm gonna win first prize by playing my 
palka music, and get a piece of that ass!"
the cat agreed. "ahh, dat ass. well, you're not going to win anything 
playing like that. what you need is a cat that can sing along with 
you."
todd's face brightened. "can you sing?"
"can i?! buddy, i'm the best around!"
"all right then! follow me. we'll go win first place and i'll get 
that ass and you can chase those germantown pussies!"

and so, todd and adam set off to the fair. todd kept practicing, and 
pretty soon he could play a halfway decent polka! with adam singing, 
he was sure he would win first prize!

a short time later, the two travellers came upon a ferret, who was 
running away from a mailbox.
"hit the deck!" the ferret shouted to the donkey and the cat, and 
they ducked just as the mailbox exploded in a loud KA-BOOM!
debris flew everywhere, and todd and adam were amazed.
the ferret said "we better get the hell out of here before that 
mailbox's owner comes after us!"
so the three animals ran like the wind. when they were a safe 
distance away, they slowed down and todd asked the ferret some 
questions.
"how did you do that?"
"magic!" the ferret replied. "and who are you guys, to come marching 
through my territory?"
todd introduced himself and the cat. "i'm todd, and this is adam. 
we're on out way to germantown to win the performance arts contest."
the ferret's eyes got really big. "COOL! i bet there's lots of people 
there that i can steal stuff from! can i come along?
todd shrugged. "sure... if you can blow stuff up, you're cool in my 
book. can you play an instrument?"
the ferret thought for a little bit. "hmm, i don't think so. but i 
could fake it!"
so it was agreed, and they set off again. 
"oh, by the way, my name's rich," the ferret said, and he picked up 
some sticks and played the drums on todd's head.

well, now the group had a banjo player, a singer, and a drum player. 
todd was gaining confidence with every passing minute that they would 
win and he would get that ass he wanted so badly.

when the band got almost halfway to germantown, they came upon a dog 
that was rolling around in the dirt. the dog looked up to see who was 
coming, and recognized his friend adam. 
"adam! hey, how's it going?" the dog asked, and got up out of the 
dirt.
adam was happy to see his friend. "hi phil! want to come with us to 
germantown?"
"what for? the dog asked.
"were gonna get some bitches!"
"wow! i like bitches. count me in!"
adam turned to todd and rich and said, "this is perfect! phil can 
play a wicked guitar! we're gonna win for sure!"

so the four set off to germantown, and soon met up with a hamster 
named mike that could play keyboard, and a horse named brock that  
played bass.

so the group was finally together, and they played as they walked to 
the fair. it was the best polka in the land, and todd knew that ass 
was his for sure. 

they finally arrived at germantown, and there were people everywhere. 
the smell of food came wafting down the road and strengthened the 
weary travellers, who ran into town to get something to eat. there 
was an air of excitement, as all the animals from across the land 
prepared for the contest. todd was nervous as he eyed the 
competition, but he was still confident they would win. 

as the contest was about to begin, a truck rolled into the 
fairgrounds with a horse trailer behind it, and everyone turned to 
look. the driver of the truck got out and opened the gate of the 
trailer, and everyone fell silent.
the ass that todd fell in love with earlier stepped out of the 
trailer, and she was even more beautiful now than before.
even the other animals couldn't stop staring at that ass as she 
walked up to the center stage.

the master of ceremonies broke the awed silence.
"The winner of this contest shall recieve this fine Ass! Let's begin. 
Our first contestant is Hughey the Pig from Nashville, who will be 
rapping for us...."

as todd, adam, rich, phil, mike, and brock watched the show, a 
familiar voice came from behind them.
"hey, guys! how are you gonna play polka without an accordion?"
they turned around to see scott the chicken dragging his big 
accordion behind him.
todd ran up to his old friend. "scott! how did you get here?"
scott smiled. "i hitched a ride on the trailer!"

so know the group was finally, truly complete. they watched the other 
contestants, and they knew they would beat all of them. as night 
fell, it came down to the last two contestants. todd's group, and a 
tapdancing donkey who was originaly from ireland.

todd's group took the stage first, and they played the best polka 
ever heard in the midwest. their talents all came together to form a 
rhythm that made everyone in germantown get up and dance. it couldn't 
be denied. they were the winners, hands down.

but there was still one more act. todd's band ended their set with 
the classic 'roll out the barrel', and everyone cheered. todd's heart 
raced at the thought of taking that ass home with him tonight, and 
the band exited the stage.

the emcee  came onstage to announce the last act.
"ladies and gentlemen, the last act of the night is micheal flatley, 
the tapdancing donkey. he will pe performing the 'riverdance'!"

uh-oh, todd thought. not the riverdance! it sold 19 million copies 
worldwide and was the ultimate tapdance video in history! if flatley 
pulled it off successfully, todd's chances of victory were truly in 
jeopardy!

flatly took the stage, and things went from bad to worse. the irish 
donkey brought with him a troupe of three-hundred dancers, who 
performed the riverdance with more talent than germantown had ever 
seen before. hooves pounding incessantly, flatley's group tapped out 
a heartwarming story of excitement, betrayal, and romance. and, as a 
special bonus, they performed 'lord of the dance' as well!

as the extroardinarily great act finished, todd's heart sank. he knew 
flatley would beat him. all of this work was for nothing, and he 
would have to go back to his empty stall at the farm and never get 
the love he always wanted.

todd, rich, adam, phil, mike, brock, and scott all waited nervously 
as the judges came onstage to announce the winner.

a hush fell over the masses at germantown that night. the children 
waited, wide-eyed. the adults chattered amongst themselves, 
speculating who would come out victorious. todd paced nervously, 
trying to keep his stomach out of his throat. 

"We have decided who the winner is. It was a very tough decision, as 
you can tell, but we had to go with...."






the excitement could hardly be contained.






"MICHEAL FLATLEY!"
the crowd erupted in an overwhelming burst of applause. flatley 
walked up to accept his award nonchalantly, as if he expected to win 
all along. he grabbed that ass, threw her over his shoulder, and 
carried her off to his trailer. 
todd was heartbroken. a tear fell down his hairy cheek. somewhere, a 
baby cried. his friends who had tried so hard to help him gathered 
around to comfort him, but there could be no relief for this heart 
that had been broken not once, but many times along the long, hard 
road that lead to this dead end. after all the fairgoers had left the 
grounds, todd still sat there with no purpose left to live.
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MORAL: ya can't polka 'round dat ass. ya gotta tap it.

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